You know what? My prayer life sucks.

The fact is that it’s sucked for a long time. I just didn’t realize it until recently.

I’ve tried many things to liven it up, but none of those things has worked, at least not for any length of time. I’ve tried going to prayer meetings at church, but that usually ends with me falling asleep, or worse, sitting in the back twiddling my thumbs wondering why I came in the first place. I’ve tried “praying in tongues.” But, sometimes I just feel like I’m making up sounds so that I can talk to God. I’ve tried praying early in the morning before I start my day, but I usually don’t think that clearly that early, and find that I really don’t have anything to say, yet. I’ve tried praying before I go to bed, but again, I’m tired and not very coherent, and usually fall asleep half way through the prayer. Sometimes, I even fall asleep before I pray!

The biggest problem I have is simply that my prayers have been flat, selfish, and theologically weak. They have become “vain repetitions.” I find myself praying the same basic prayer and simply plugging in today’s information. My prayers lack meaning and passion. In the words of Keith Green:

My eyes are dry,
my faith is old,
my heart is hard,
my prayers are cold.
And I know how I ought to be,
alive to You and dead to me.

My prayers are cold! What has happened to me? I know how things ought to be…

Can anyone out there identify?

(The title of this post is an Anglican Church motto meaning, “as we pray, so we believe.”)

This is a clip from the TV show The West Wing. Check it out, Martin Sheen asks some very interesting questions.

How would you respond?

Last November, we found out that Ted Haggard had possibly been involved in a homosexual relationship. As I was considering what this meant, I stumbled across a story by Brian McLaren on the homosexual issue. Several months later I saw a comment on Pastor Chet’s blog about the same issue, a conversation which I took a small part in. Through all of this, I have been conversing with a friend, who has struggled with homosexuality in the past and is also a Christian, about the struggles they have had, and sometimes still have. As we talked, he expressed a desire to share his story, and some of his struggles and concerns, but didn’t feel he had a safe avenue in which to do it. We came to the conclusion that he could use my blog to do so. He wrote a letter, and I helped him edit it to remove any trace of his identity. As I was getting ready to post this, I saw that Todd had linked to a Christianity Today article on homosexuality and change.

Now, before you read this letter, please note that you should not assume that either myself or the author of the letter believe something specific or hold a certain position unless it is EXPLICITLY STATED. Also, please remember that as you comment, you are commenting on a letter by a real live breathing human being who has feelings, and has been brave enough to stick his neck out.

Well, without any further ado…I present to you “Steve”:

When I was in Junior High School, I saw Top Gun, the 1986 Tom Cruise movie, and I realized that something was wrong. I realized that I was attracted to Tom Cruise. In a moment of reflection, I began to realize that I had never really had any attraction for girls whatsoever, and that I had actually been attracted to several other guys. Had it not been for a news report about AIDS several evenings prior, and an ensuing conversation about what it was and where it came from amongst myself, my siblings and my father, I would never have given my attraction to Tom Cruise a second thought. Over the next year I came to the realization that I was more sexually attracted to guys than girls. The shock, fear and angst that came with this revelation scared meto death.

Growing up in an evangelical church didn’t make things any easier. Trying to find someone with whom I could talk was out of the question. Admittedly, things are quite a bit different now than they were back then, but telling Christians you are “gay” immediately gets you branded. It didn’t really matter that I was at church every Sunday and Wednesday, nor that I was the one person everyone could look to when a question about the Bible needed answered. Nor would it matter that I was considered one of the most faithful leaders of our church’s small youth group. The few girlfriends I did have would always wonder whether I really liked them, or if I was just using them as cover, and most, if not all, of my guy friends would wonder if I had ulterior motives in my friendships with them.

The fact is, other than a pretty big problem with pornography, I have never put any action into this sexual attraction. While this certainly eases the blow, it comes with its own issues, such as people assuming that it isn’t really a true struggle for me, or that it might just be a passing phase. Still, no matter what my other personality traits, interests or even life callings, I am still seen and treated as the one who “struggles with homosexuality”.

It seems as though most of the conversations about homosexuality in the church are somewhat abstract. But the fact is that I’m a real person who has struggled through this mine-field looking for an answer. I certainly don’t believe that God is for homosexuality, but what was I to do with these feelings? What are others who struggle in this way to do with these feelings?

Here are some of issues that I wrestled, and at times still wrestle with:

• Most Christians readily assume that homosexuality is wrong, and frankly, I agree with them. However, I can also think of Christians who lived in the South before abolition that were convinced that slavery, and other such injustices, were right, and even biblical. Will future Christians realize they were wrong about this issue too? Have I suffered for naught? I really don’t think this is going to happen, but the question still lingers in my mind.
• More “progressive” evangelicals are placing more emphasis on orientation. For example, they understand that homosexual activity is sin, but the orientation is not a choice. While this is somewhat better than “Hate the sin, but not the sinner”, it still fails to see how deeply rooted the orientation is in our personality. The attraction is as real and “natural” to us as heterosexual attraction to others. It isn’t just about lust. It isn’t just about sex. It is far more complex than that. The differentiation between orientation and action is helpful for basic understanding, but in reality-in our hearts & minds & bodies, we are one.
• Gay marriage has been the hot topic. While I believe that no law should require a Christian church (or any religion) to perform such unions, I am not sure I believe it is right to make them illegal. If the argument is based on God’s design for marriage, sexuality, family and cultural responsibility-thus a Biblical, Christian world view-does this not, then also mean that we should stand against the understanding of marriage that undermines this? Shouldn’t Islamic or Hindu marriages, where the role, position and (often) even the value of women is in direct contradiction to Judeo-Christians be fought against as well? Shouldn’t common-law marriages receive the same press and emotion from the Christian community? I say all this, not to be political, but to demonstrate that the fierce commitment against these “evils” is not being honestly addressed.

-”Steve”

So, several of us got together tonight and met to continue talking about some ways that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus in our community.

It was a small group, but we actually accomplished quite a bit!

Here are some of the opportunities we discovered:

1. We will be picking up trash at the Fair next week. This is going to be a very loosely structured system. Basically, all we are going to do is pick up trash while we are there. We won’t be going as a big group, we won’t be wearing t-shirts or anything else to identify ourselves, and we won’t have a schedule. If you are interested in participating, all you have to do is pick up any trash you see on the ground and throw it in the nearest waste receptacle. You can do this while you are hanging out with friends. The primary point is relationships, the secondary goal is to help out those that have to clean up after the Fair, and the third goal is to become a little bit more responsible for the world God has given us. And, since we will be with friends while we do this, we might just become an inspiration to our friends to pick up some trash. If you plan on helping out, leave a comment. It would be great to see who all is interested!
2. The Auburn Presbyterian Church on 12th Street (big beautiful church right across from the library), has a soup kitchen on Monday’s. It’s called Friend’s Table Mission, and they serve lunch from 11 am - 12:30 pm, Monday’s only. They feed an average of 120 people every Monday. They could use some help, particularly during the winter, when some of their volunteers go to Florida. Also, if you have any dried goods, like diapers or such, they could certainly use them to hand out to those in need. I will be volunteering on most Monday’s, starting Oct. 8. If you are interested in getting involved, shoot me an email at jeremiah@jeremiahotis.com and I will get you connected with the people you need to talk to, or just meet me at the Auburn Presbyterian Church on Oct. 8 at 10 am.
3. Newschannel 15 sponsors a winter coat drive every winter, and the drop-off/pick-up location in Auburn is RSVP, across from the Main Street YMCA. They are in desperate need of children’s coats and 2XL, 3XL, 4XL and 5XL coats. If you have any of these sizes, or know anyone who has any of these sizes, and would be interested in donating them, you can email me at jeremiah@jeremiahotis.com and I will get you in touch with the right people. They also need help getting the coats out of storage, and then putting them into storage after winter.
4. The RSVP office in Auburn is also the home of the DeKalb County Food Bank. They need help unloading things throughout the week. The Walmart Distribution Center provides them with tons of food, but they have to pick it up and load it and unload it themselves. They get about an hours notice when food comes in, so they need help on fairly short notice, but if we can put together a call chain of people who are interested in helping, and might be available, that would be a huge help to them! Again, shoot me an email if you are interested, jeremiah@jeremiahotis.com.
5. The Food Bank is also in need of people to work with clients. However, if you would like to do that, you will need to fill out an application, and undergo a criminal history check with the police. This is for everyone’s safety. They are open three days a week, and I will get the times posted shortly.
6. The Food Bank also needs help cleaning the facility. In the winter, they get a lot of tracked in mud and snow, and they need help mopping the floors. It’s usually once a week, and if we take a crew of people, we should be able to get it knocked out in short order.

We have researching several other avenues where we hope to get involved, and as those doors open, I will put them online. If you are interested in helping in any of the above areas, feel free to leave a comment (this might encourage others to step out as well), or shoot me an email at jeremiah@jeremiahotis.com, and I’ll get you more info! Also, if you know of any other opportunities in the Auburn area, let me know and we’ll get the info out there for everyone!